I've been reading...

I have spent the last three days as a hermit. I have literally just left the house to attend a small year-end function (from which I escaped early) and to eat. I have read it… the forbidden fruit of books…50 Shades of Grey and the other two in the E.L James trilogy.

I freaking LOVED the books! I could not put them down. I don’t know if it has just been a really long time since I last read anything non-academic or if it was because these were my first ‘erotic’ novels.

Do it right: Body Language

I am finally on holiday – which means that I have been getting some much needed sleep, been lazing around the house and doing all kinds of random stuff, anything but work. This is probably the reason why I am only getting to this post now.

I set out last Saturday morning for my first ‘Do It Right Saturday Session’ with the dating service. The topic was body language and more specifically does your body language sabotage your dating?

I arrived at the four star guesthouse early, got my nametag and some coffee and scanned the audience, all ladies, and all old. The ladies were aged approximately from 30 up to one whom I guess is approaching 60 soon. It did wonders for my self esteem. I won’t lie – this session was also a good way to get a glimpse of the other ladies who my dates will be possibly meeting.

The speaker was Prof. Anske Grobler who is the Head of the Division of Communication Management at the University of Pretoria.  She is an expert in the field of Body Language since the mid-Eighties and has been invited to comment in the media on – amongst others – the non-verbal communication of politicians and even analyzed Nelson Mandela’s non-verbal communication during his release from prison.  She’s obviously an expert but as she is also a member of the dating service which showed me early on that using body language will not guarantee you a ‘hubby’.

It is nearly impossible to sum up the three hour ‘mini-seminar’ into one post and even more difficult to translate the non-verbal into the readable verbal… but here goes.

Dating, it's a numbers game

I have only one exam left. Hallelujah! I’ll be writing Ancient Culture Studies on the 27^th and then I will be able to give my full attention to lounging around my house, tracking through Africa by 4x4 and packing for my move to Pretoria.

I have been quiet on the blog, studying, preparing for an event I’m speaking at tomorrow night and writing Greek. It has been a very depressing time indeed. I can barely contain myself for tonight where I will finally be able to socialize with my church buddies at our weekly gathering.

As my brain is still on full academic mode and the depression of exams is still with me I decided to write a quick post that will hopefully ruin your day as well.

Dating, it’s a numbers game.

If you ask the pessimists or the cynics what the probability is of meeting your soul mate their answer is simple: 0% “because man is naturally polygamous and love doesn’t exist”.

Now, of course, the first step is believing that your “soul mate” exists. I know a lot of people don’t believe that everyone has a soul mate, but for the purposes of this post, let’s just ignore them

Our country has recently released the statistics from the 2011 census and I have been busy crunching some numbers:

My date with Number 3

I woke up yesterday morning for my date with Number 3 and my body had decided that it had turned into a snot-producing-super-machine. It was ugly.

I dosed myself with every type of flu medicine I had at my disposal, determined not to cancel 3 hours before a date and set off. Number 3 had suggested that we have a ‘breakfast date’ at a coffee shop. Coffee dates are what the dating service recommends. No alcohol involved, low cost, ability to excuse yourself early etc.

I was sitting outside the coffee shop and I quickly reflected on the few facts the dating service had given me on Number 3:

He is 34 years old.

He has never been married.

He works as an electrical engineer. He has a Masters degree.

He likes biking, symphony orchestras and Cinema Nouveau.

I really had no expectation of this date to be anything but sheer hell. I was imagining myself having to excuse myself every 5 minutes to blow my nose, snot dripping down my face and coughing over his breakfast. Not a pretty picture.

Dating Tips (Part 2)

It’s Friday! And I’m home alone again. Studying. Sick.

Yes, I’ve been quiet because final exams are only a week and a few days away so I have been a good little girl and I have restricted myself from my laptop. But, ladies and gentlemen, here is Part Two and three more dating tips from my dating service report: 27 Dating Tips Special Report.

1. The first thing 99.9% (YES, THIS IS TRUE!!) of all the men say to me is that they do not want to meet an overweight woman. Looks actually come second! By contrast, women only occasionally mention they do not want to meet an overweight man. Weight is a big issue for men.

Okay, if you are pissed off at reading this, don’t feel alone. So was I. The idea that we’re only attractive within a range of sizes is absurd. And narrow. Does this even qualify as a dating tip? What does it mean?

Things you should not do when spending a Friday evening alone

I suspect that I might be suffering from ADHD (attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder). Now you might say that constantly being distracted or impulsive isn't as bad as being, say, a serial killer. But, I have found that in my case it may cause emotional death.

I have had one hell of a week and the plan was to drag my exhausted body to bed early yesterday and just sleep. Instead, I decided early yesterday afternoon that my apartment needed a serious spring clean. Nothing says relaxation like being crouched over scrubbing a toilet. But I argued that I would probably get distracted during the fast approaching exams and start cleaning then, which would surely end in disaster as I know from experience that ANYthing seems like a superior priority than studying.

So, I spent the early hours of Friday afternoon doing the week’s dishes and catching up on some laundry. And then I started to develop my single blues again. I ended up having had a really horrible evening. Yeah, sometimes it sucks being single.

Secret Christian crushes: the minister

The old saying goes that behind every great man stands a great woman, and that’s all sweet and sentimental and stuff. But have you ever thought that you had found a great man and started convincing yourself that you could be his great woman? There are some things, we, as single Christian girls are not supposed to talk about. One of them is our secret crushes on the minister.

During the first year theology student’s introduction week earlier this year we had a couple of ministers come to talk to us about what we could expect from going into ministry one day. They touched on issues like the difficulty of funerals and counselling and time management but a large chunk of their time was used to discuss what they deemed the most important point: get married before you go into ministry.

Girls’ Night Out: The not-so-good, the bad & the ‘ugh’

Most single people go out on Fridays and Saturdays. This is why I and my friend decided to head to Pretoria to celebrate the single life and scout the venue for single guys. We chose a good night. A famous Afrikaans singer was performing in a well-known venue. It was going to be legendary. But nothing in life ever exactly works the way it is supposed to, does it?

And as we surveyed the crowd of people crammed tightly into the packed venue we saw some good-looking men… who had a girlfriend close by, some ‘okay’ men who were guzzling down beer after beer and some peculiar men with Robin Hood hats. Yes, I’m serious.

We made our way to the dance floor and we were unfortunately standing behind a bride-to-be on her bachelorette evening and next to a woman in her early forties who kept bumping into us and who shouted at the artist during an introduction to his next song: “Stop talking and just f**king sing!” Classy. 

My friend was approached and had a two song sokkie experience. I stood in corner holding both our handbags bobbing along to a song I didn’t know apologizing to the 40-something-woman over blaring music, wondering, “Why the hell am I here?” Very uncomfortable I was humming the lyrics of a Billy Idol song in my head:

Oh dancing with myself
Oh dancing with myself
Well there's nothing to lose
and there's nothing to prove
I'll be dancing with myself

Dating Tips (Part 1)

I thought I would give a new introduction a skip this week, being scared that the only possible suitors at the moment are bald chartered accountants. I was planning to spend the weekend with one of my fellow single church friends partying in Pretoria. Then, yesterday, I got a call from the owner of the dating service with a new partner in mind. He hasn’t called me yet, but it seems as if I will be a busy girl this weekend.

I thought I would share the first 3 dating tips that I got from the dating service. It is called the 27 Dating Tips Special Report.

She's just not that into you...

I don't like rejecting people. It's pretty bad. This dating thing is hard.

I’ve only been on two dates now but the last date made me realize that when we date we put so much on the line. We put ourselves out there – our emotions, our hearts, our hopes.

Number 2 sent me an SMS yesterday. He would like to have dinner some time. Yes, a second date.

Crap! Now I’m thinking ‘was I too friendly?’ and ‘how could he have misinterpreted my closed body language?’

I sought advice. My dad suggested I just go on the date but be frank about the fact that he really shouldn’t expect more from me. My sister then added I should definitely go because it means a free meal... 

Do you understand why I don’t usually go to my family for advice on relationships?

My date with Number 2

It’s balding season people! They. Are. Everywhere. Yes, I had my date with Number 2 earlier today and it was… well, hair-raising.

I was quite excited for this date. I thought that if I had spent 90 minutes talking to Number 1 before the date and we still had an hour and a half date, 4 minutes with Number 2 before we met was going to mean that we had lots to talk about… oh, how wrong I was.

He sent me a SMS as I was parking that he was standing in front of the coffee shop. I was to look for someone tall, with black hair and a striped shirt.

I stood there like an idiot for about 5 minutes scanning the area and even the surrounding shops because when he finally spotted me he didn’t have much hair. The hair that was present on the shiny head was grey and if you have to use a microscope to identify the stripes on a shirt just say ‘I’m wearing a blue shirt’.

Judging a book by its cover photo…

I’ve got a date this weekend! Number 2 gave me a call this morning. In less than 4 minutes flat the ‘gentle giant’ arranged that we meet this Saturday at 17:00 at a coffee shop. I am sad to report that I have no new information, except that he has a pleasant voice.

So, I have desperately been trying to find Number 2 on Facebook. Unfortunately, he has an Afrikaans name equivalent to the English ‘John’. No luck. I don’t like not knowing anything else about Number 2. If it were up to me I would have liked meeting him on Saturday knowing where he went to school, what mutual interests we have and to have formed an opinion on the attractiveness of his ex.

Some Freudian discussion

Firstly, if you are wondering what is going on with the dating… I called the owner yesterday to report back on the date with Number 1. This gave us the opportunity to fine-tune what I’m looking for. More fun, less baldness. She now wants to introduce me to what she calls “a gentle giant”. The 1.96m, 35 year old Chartered accountant from Pretoria who loves wildlife and playing the stock market… Interesting. I will keep you posted on Number 2!

Yesterday, I went back to university after a week long holiday. But it was also my parents’ wedding anniversary. They have now been married for 29 years. My mom jokingly added that you don’t even get that for murder. Ha!

I’ve learned a lot from their marriage – I’ve gained wisdom and understanding from their mistakes, I’ve seen how laughter and friendship make for beautiful romance and I’ve learned that marriage really is like the saying goes ‘a union between two good forgivers’. I have great respect for the things my parents have overcome. God has truly blessed me with superb parents and I am so grateful for this last year to have had the opportunity to start rebuilding our relationship. More on that on another day.

My date with Number 1

I know you are waiting on the edge of your seat to hear how today went. Yes? No?

So, Number 1 is actually much better looking than on the shaky Skype video with and unreliable audio. First, some basics about the date:

We decided to meet at a restaurant at a casino close to where I live. He was late and tired of standing around like some idiot checking my Facebook I decided to sit at the fountain with a huge statue of David and his Free Willy. Glorious moment.

Number 1 eventually pitched and we made our way to a restaurant. We were scrunched into the corner as there was a group of loud-mouthed girls celebrating a bachelorette party. Yes, thank you very much for that one, world. But, we sourced some coffee and got to the chat. The date lasted just over an hour and a half and it really was not bad, except it really wasn’t that good.

The Social Experiment

So, I have embarked on this journey I’m calling “The Social Experiment” and my aim is to try and find the best ways to meet a potential Mr. Right.

Me and other girl friends are going to be experimenting with a few single events nights as well as trying ‘speed dating’. I have however signed up and I have joined an elite introductions dating service. I have essentially hired a dating coach who is going to set me up on blind dates. A very expensive dating coach. Yes people, this is not a cheap experiment at all.

On the plus side this dating service promises to screen all my potential dates. I hope this includes criminal background checks, sexual offender background checks and genetic tests to test for balding. I have a genuine phobia of bald people. It’s real. Google it.

Fears include my church friends saying “we warned you against the evils of dating” and wasting this money only to meet guys who think way too much of themselves.

Let the adventure begin!

So, I have been single now for over a year and a half. At first I did the whole feminist thing. "I think, therefore I'm single” and “All men are useless, scumbag liars”. The next phase was one of absolutely loving my singleness. Having the bed to myself, not brushing my teeth for entire weekends, eating way too much and buying a dog. Slowly but surely, reality caught up with me.

We have this Bible study group at my church for ‘young working people’ aged 20-40. This combines university students, single adults, recovering divorcees and a grand total of ONE married couple. Let’s call a spade a spade. We are a singles ministry.

We have two problems with this ministry at the moment:

1. The minister leading the singles ministry at our church is in a relationship
2. We won’t admit that we are a singles ministry. We have a bad case of denial.