I am finally
on holiday – which means that I have been getting some much needed sleep, been
lazing around the house and doing all kinds of random stuff, anything but work.
This is probably the reason why I am only getting to this post now.
I set out
last Saturday morning for my first ‘Do It Right Saturday Session’ with the
dating service. The topic was body language and more specifically does your body language sabotage your
dating?
I arrived at
the four star guesthouse early, got my nametag and some coffee and scanned the
audience, all ladies, and all old. The ladies were aged approximately from 30
up to one whom I guess is approaching 60 soon. It did wonders for my self
esteem. I won’t lie – this session was also a good way to get a glimpse of the
other ladies who my dates will be possibly meeting.
The speaker
was Prof. Anske Grobler who is the Head of the
Division of Communication Management at the University of Pretoria
It is
nearly impossible to sum up the three hour ‘mini-seminar’ into one post and
even more difficult to translate the non-verbal into the readable verbal… but
here goes.
Firstly you
have to realize that there are two main types of communication: verbal (which
has to do with words, so even written words are regarded as verbal) and
non-verbal (which is everything other than words). It is into the non-verbal category
that body language falls.
When we
communicate we make use of:
- Proxemics (use of space)
- Cronemics (use of time)
- Kinesics (body language)
I’m sure
every Cosmopolitan reading girl has come across the fact that people are more
influenced by what you see than what you hear. It’s basically broken down like
this:
Verbal: What you say 7%
Vocal: How
you say it 38%
Visual: What you see 55%
Therefore 93%
of what you say is not about what you are saying at all.
This is why
being able to read body language is such an important skill. This is why the
Cosmo has another article on body language in the December issue… Don’t judge
me – it’s been a while and I am on holiday.
Basically
we were taught that non-verbal queues are like words. Example: folded arms = a defensive
attitude. But, remember that if I were to give you the word ‘heart’ I would
probably need to provide a little context because you may be thinking of the
blood pumping organ, some might think of a Valentine’s day heart and someone
more creative might immediately think of the concept of love…
In other
words, I have to put ‘heart’ in a sentence for you (the receiver) to understand
my (the communicator) message and only then will effective communication take
place.
The same
goes for non-verbal queues. You need to be able to read the non-verbal
sentences or what they call clusters of simple body language cues or
tells. You can’t focus on only
one non-verbal queue.
Someone rubbing their eye might have an irritation, rather
than being tired - or disbelieving, or upset.
Someone with crossed arms might be keeping warm, rather than
being defensive.
Someone scratching their nose might actually have an itch,
rather than concealing a lie or cocaine use… get the picture?
Secondly, body language goes both ways:
a.
Your own body language reveals your feelings and
meanings to others.
b.
Other people's body language reveals their
feelings and meanings to you.
The sending and receiving of body language signals happens
on conscious and unconscious levels. The Proffie had much to say about the
Limbic system in the brain and the evolutionary causes of body language…which I
just dismissed because as you might have noticed in my ‘About Me’ section, I
don’t subscribe to the idea that everything can be explained by the theory of
evolution.
Now, I am not going to give you a breakdown of all the
‘tells’ to use. You can watch many videos on YouTube on the topic or buy the
Cosmo. I would however just suggest being a little more attentive these next
few days. We all have the capacity to read these ‘tells’, it’s just that we are
not always aware of them.
I enjoyed the session so much and I learned a lot!! I will
definitely keep you posted as I date how I have used some of these new skills.
I’ve tested some on random strangers with surprising results… I’ll keep you
posted.
For now, I really just want to enjoy this time off. It has
been one hell of a year for me and I deserve a little break. I have started
packing for my move to Pretoria
in January which I think is a tad overeager, but who gives a damn? I’m excited
for the new year, for a new place and some new men…
So cheers to being attentive and realizing that there are
subtle ways to get a man’s attention – the trick is keeping it!
Late, I know, but here's another perspective. How about if one did not consciously treat body language as this hugely important factor when communicating specifically with a loved one/potential partner? Could an abnormal focus on body language not potentially harm the wonderful unfolding chemistry of getting to know someone?
ReplyDeleteI would suggest that manipulating ONE'S OWN body language is a dangerous game. Example: Let's say you're a city girl that doesn't particularly love the outdoors, but you're entirely smitten by this dude you're on a first date with. So he starts talking about how much fun he had on his last hiking trip (in reality, he really didn't find it all that great and it was his first such trip, but he's trying to make conversation and to seem interesting). So you resist your impulse to fold your arms while listening, but you make sure to look him in the eye, nod in interest from time to time, etc. All because you don't want to do anything that might jeopardize how he feels towards you. Meantime, he sees all your positive body language and, without even knowing it, assumes you love the great outdoors. Maybe I'm not being eloquent enough, but I hope you get the gist of it - that I think authentic body language is best, considering everything. Otherwise it just adds up to more games and misunderstandings, because instinctive use of body language equals communication, but manipulation of body language equals deceit.
In much the same way, it's easy enough to manipulate people and situations by using verbal lies. But we're taught that it's bad to lie, aren't we..?
Sure, it can be useful to read OTHER people's body language, though. Unless, of course, they are also actively conscious of how they use it...
The reason that non-verbal communication makes out such a large chunk of our messages/communication, is because we all have an innate understanding of it in any case. Otherwise, it couldn't possibly play such a huge role, could it? It's part of how people connect and understand each other, of the chemistry between people. I prefer an unadulterated version of body language, to do what comes naturally. I would suggest that all the body language tricks are much better suited to the boardroom table than the restaurant table. As you've said: the expert in body language is also a member of the dating service...
I know there's more nuances to this (someone with notoriously negative body language, perhaps not stemming from her/his current contact situations, might benefit from general change, etc.), but this is just my two cents.