Back to basics: does he or she like me?

I find it so ironic that although so much has been written about dating, flirtation, relationships and all that jazz we still grapple with the basic question which no-one seems to have been able to answer… ever. Sure, they have tried. There are quizzes and checklists and psychics and articles and books and movies…. Yet, we will all inevitably turn somewhere for an answer when asking: does he or she like me?

This is the basic question. I’m not even going to address the other questions that will necessarily arise from this simple question. Is he only after your body? Does he find you intriguing? Does he think you are sexy? Is he devoted to you? Does it only become official if it is Facebook official?

I’m only addressing the basic question: does he or she like me? This is the important question that we all need an answer to - for subtly we know that if we start dating this person we will either break up with them or marry them… Add into the mix that a feeling of acceptance is a basic need and the fear of rejection is our biggest fear and suddenly this question doesn’t seem to simple, does it?

The thing is… we have been bombarded with so much information about how to alter ourselves to the ever-changing world of dating that our radars have become clouded and our judgement has become impaired.

Sure, we know that the heaviest guns in the arsenal are the art of flirting. Ah, yes. The casual flip of the hair, the extended eye contact, the subtle touch of his arm as you laugh at his jokes. But have you ever been negged? Google it. Negging is when a man ‘gently’ insults a woman as a way to undermine a woman’s self-esteem and get her to engage with him by defending herself. Put simply, negging is when a man acts like an asshole because of the belief that woman date bad boys…Of course you will also have to sift through other dating techniques such as peacocking, macking, running routines etc…

As a woman I can admit to contemplating some of these questions: does a man make the first move? Do men really feel fine with women making the first advance? Should you play hard to get? Should you be available? How long does one have to wait between replying to text messages? Should you send him a friend request on Facebook?

Some of my more radical techniques to determine whether someone likes me are to in fact search for justification for the formation of a relationship on my own. Kind of like building an evidence file that could be presented to the said interest in the near future. For me this usually includes doing a star sign compatibility test (and then repenting for it later that evening), doing a personality test (as a fairly recent addition to my list, I found this quite useful), answering the old quizzes in the stack of Cosmo’s I have laying around and sometimes practicing my future signature as the new Ms. New Man to see whether it would in fact work out.

But that is me. And I’m a tad crazy at times.

Once you have determined that a guy likes you, you then need to establish what the nature of your relationship will be. Friends with Benefits, F*ck Buddies, a One Night Stand, is it an open relationship, are you hanging out or going out? Are you a couple or simply coupling? I think this might be a good topic to cover soon.

For now, let’s get back to basics. Here are some classic “He’s just not that into you” signs that I have come to know out of personal experience:

1. He doesn’t make it obvious that he likes you. Duh.
2. If you constantly feel that you are the one making suggestions, carrying the conversation and things start to feel one sided you might want to accept that their mind is on something – or someone- other than you.
3. You used to text all the time. Now? Nothing. Nada. Eish. Where did he go? Probably out meeting new people. In my experience a decent guy will try to let you know that he’s thinking about you during the day. Or even better, he’ll give you a reason to think about him during the day.
4. You NEVER meet the friends or family.
5. He flirts with someone else in front of you. You might just have been friend zoned without it being made explicit or he’s an asshole. Oh wait. Yup, he’s an asshole.

Okay, still confused about whether your guy or girl is on the fence?

1. Believe what you are told. Ladies, if a guy says that he isn’t looking for something serious… he isn’t looking for something serious. I find it amusing that some friends hear this and then 5 months, 2 years, 5 years down the road complain that he isn’t committing.
2. Don’t believe everything you are told. Especially from (jealous) friends or family who will pump your head full of doubts or wonderful future tales.
3. See things as they are, not as you hope them to be. Yes, I am an optimist and I will always remain hopeful when looking for love. Yet it is important to be objective. Ask a friend if you have to.
4. Move slowly. Don’t give your heart away on day one. Love should be a discovery.

The thing is how do you know someone likes you? You don’t. You also won’t know whether someone will grow to love you. Hell, you don’t even have any guarantees that you will grow to love them! Dating means that you will have moments where you feel as if courage will fail and you’re going to feel like you have to supplement the lack of confidence with a bottle of wine. I’m very doubtful that Cosmo will come up with a new checklist that will comprehend every perception, every permutation, and every possibility to prove whether someone likes you or not. We just don’t know. To me, that makes it depressing and extremely exciting at the same time. 

Ah yes, the advice we receive from the various sources concerning dating can be overwhelming. If you become confused as you meander into the minefield of dating my advice to you will simply be to ask the person straight up. If you are unsure if your flirting is headed somewhere, ask. But keep the questions light. No use in asking whether he would prefer the salmon or the mushroom starter at your wedding. Okay, that’s exaggerating but you catch my drift. Once the other person answers… listen!!

Wow, there sure are many mixed messages out there… please share some of your favourites with me and I might get a bit sarcastic. Until then, cheers to the Golden Rule which applies to dating just as much as it applies to every other facet of life: keeping somebody in your life because you like the attention, because it gives your ego a boost or because it keeps you from being lonely until somebody "better" comes a long is cruel and selfish. Treat others the way you would like others to treat you.