A year and a bit in review: joining a dating service...

My best friend from high school got engaged on Friday which served as a good reminder that out of the “Fabulous Five” only two of us are still single and unwed. It is exactly this type of post in my News Feed that prompted me to start an adventure that I labelled “The Social Experiment”. AKA I suck at dating and need help.

So if, like me (until recently! Ha!), you suck at dating you can join a dating service in the hopes of finding your ‘soul mate’. You’ll soon learn some valuable lessons and gain wisdom about the person that you are. Or you can save yourself R8500 and read my blog. Or you can read this summary of the past year and a bit that I spent dating and looking for love.

A little more than a year ago I was sick of being single and after dating all the wrong kinds of guys and unsuccessfully scanning the church for my future husband I started looking elsewhere for a man that could accept me despite my imperfections, a strong man who would love me gently and a man that would stimulate me intellectually. As it turns out I wasn’t all that good in finding such a man. I mentioned that I sucked at dating, right? So I found a dating service who promised to find my “soul mate” and who would do this in Pretoria.

I went on 8 dates. I told 8 men about my family, my studies, and my interests. I attended social evenings and I completed the ‘do-it-right’ courses. I questioned the dating service, I questioned the existence of real men in the world, I questioned myself and even had the occasional meltdown of pent-up fear and sheer exhaustion claiming that I’m done with dating. Forever.

And then the dating service would call, or a reader would comment or send an email or a friend would encourage me yet again. I dated chartered accountants, engineers, medical reps and IT specialists. I dated them in coffee shops, in restaurants and in malls. I dated them healthy and once probably just shy of a hospital stay. I dated single guys, momma’s boys, a divorced guy and a married guy… But I dated and I learned and I lived one more crazy adventure that I call ‘my life’. What did you do this past year and a bit? 

Honestly, if I had found love there I would probably be writing a blog entry along the lines of ‘good things come to those who wait’ mixed with a little ‘you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince’.

We are all looking for love. Whether you look for it in a bar, stalk out various single church groups, Facestalk your high school sweetheart or strike up a conversation with a stranger at work. The point is to never stop looking. He might buy you your next drink, she may be praying for someone exactly like you, he might be browsing through your photo’s at this very minute  - the love of your life might be right around the corner. Life is funny like that…

Anyway, here are some of the lessons learned and insights gained from my dating service experience:

1. You should probably discuss your spending habits with someone should you ever consider spending R8500 trying to find someone to date.
2. Trust your instincts. If you suspect that a lady who has been married three times might not be the world’s leading expert on matchmaking… you are probably right.
3. If your dates start saying that you are the first date they have been set up with it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a good all rounder. The “stock” is limited.
4. Don’t take everything so seriously. Life goes on regardless of whether or not you find the contributor of half of your future children and the person you want to grow old with today. If you become too focused on the ‘finding’ you’ll miss out on the enjoyment of the uncertainty of it all.
5. Take things more seriously. If you want to meet new people, especially single people, you need to schedule time to attend an event or try some speed dating. Don’t hide behind your work.
6. Bad dates make for good stories. A year of bad dates and blogging about it make for loyal followers… Thank you!
7. I’m really particular in what I’m looking for in a guy and a relationship. Let’s just say that I have had enough experience and I’ve missed enough red flags to really assess what would make me happiest. According to mother dearest, this is what she has taken out of my year of dating – I’m full of crap.
8. You will never grow if you don’t take some risks.
9. Honesty is the best policy, though it may not feel like the kindest. Though it’s easy to shun the superficial jerk who throws his money in your face you need to admit that physical attraction also plays a role. The sooner you are honest about whether or not you are physically attracted to the other person, the better. For you and for the other person.
10. There comes a time where you might want to lower your expectations. This does not mean that you should lower your standards.
11. You’ll start wondering if there might be someone better out there for you. Sometimes while on an actual date. Curiosity may kill cats, but it’s very human.
12. If he looks like a momma’s boy and smells like a momma’s boy, he’s a momma’s boy.
13. 8 out of 10 relationships will fail. I just made up that statistic, but with the divorce rate hovering at about 50% I can only imagine the rate to be worse. So don’t jeopardize your friendships. The odds are against you. Your friends are not.
14. Let him assert his manliness before you let him insert his manliness. Enough said.
15. If you don’t plan to see him again after the first date offer to split the bill. You will feel guilty afterwards if you don’t.
16. If you don’t plan to see him again after the first date, and he’s rude, don’t offer to split the bill. You will feel nothing but guilty pleasure.
17.  You’ll be truly humbled and surprised by how many people really care about your dating life. I’ve only recently realized that I’ve had an army full of people helping me pray to find someone worth dating. To all of you – thank you so much! To my mother, who probably rallied at least three quarters of prayer warriors, thank you. This is the second time where this year that I can thank you for your prayers.
18.  Lastly I learned that God will guide us when we walk with Him and are committed to His purpose. Looking back I can’t help but see His guidance once again. What a blessing to have been able to write this blog and share my experiences. I have made wonderful new friends and as I enter into the New Year so the direction of this blog will also change. Biggest lesson for this year: trust God with all aspects of my life. Thy will be done, not mine

Would I do it over? A long and arduous year of ups and downs, drama, tears, joy and the rest of it? Yes.

Yes, I spent a small fortune on a year of dating exactly 8 men. But this parade of eight men helped me to know myself better. I learned to speak up or stay quiet. I can also say that I am more confident in my feelings in the current relationship because it has been a long and hard journey to find each other. I certainly appreciate the man who, in the end, turns out to be the man that won my heart despite all my stupid defence mechanisms way more. Way. Way more.

I really hope that my single readers find some love over the holidays. If it comforts you I will be spending my Christmas and New Years with family and without my new love… We’ll be 1400km apart this year. So cheers to singing “Single bells, single bells, single all the way” once more this year and I hope that you NEVER have to join a dating service in your life.