Finding a new church or a new love: same difference!

When I moved to Pretoria earlier this year I knew that I had to find a new church. To me this was a process similar to dating. Many of the same rules apply when you are looking for the church that you can call ‘Yours’.

I started off attending what you could call a mega church (for South African standards). Let’s call her Number 1… Ha! I wanted to get involved as soon as possible and had even started following some of the ministers on Twitter and liked the group page on Facebook that catered for people between 20 and 30.

I was put in a small group which consisted only of 7 girls. 7 single girls. Apparently the bigger Young Adults group only met 4 times a year. So, somewhat impressed by die incredible display of cheese we spent our first evening watching a Louie Giglio DVD. I had not dropped the T-bomb (the ‘I-study-theology’ bomb) and received some weird glances when I didn’t proceed to make detailed notes in a notepad. Afterwards the girls discussed how they thought the parable of the 10 golden coins applied to dating… Now, I have a pretty active imagination but I could simply not see this.

What had I gotten myself into?

The next week they cancelled the get together. They cancelled the week after as well. And the next. And the next. Two and a half months went by. The bigger Young Adults group had a camp coming up, so I booked. Three days before we would leave the camp was cancelled. I needed to put Number 1 behind me. I left with some real issues with the concept of mega church and couldn’t help thinking that Number 1 couldn’t adequately welcome new people, because they have no idea whether or not they're new or just a member they've never met. My heart was broken with the thought of people not being utilized – of the church not being utilized.

Anyway, before I start a theological discussion, I moved on. I had a few ‘one night stands’. Ha! I visited a few different churches on Sundays and this opened up my eyes to all the weird and wonderful denominations that all form part of the church.

And then I found her! I found a church and it was love at first sight. Now, this church is also a kind of mega church… but I am determined to get involved as soon as possible. There is a really cool story that I will tell you soon about my first Sunday there – however, the story is still being written by a bigger Hand at the moment.

Anyway, as I was browsing the upcoming church events I see that they are launching a Forum for Singles. I booked immediately and proceeded to convince my friend to join me.

I knew that there would be a variety of single people present but in my mind this would include people ranging from 18 up to about 40, some divorcees, some single parents and the likes. I did not expect to walk into the room with 41 women aged 40+. Okay, I might be exaggerating a bit. There was a girl sitting with me and Chantel at the ‘young table’ who probably was in her thirties (or late thirties). Oh, and 10 men if you include the speaker.

Now, I commend the church for organizing such a forum to determine the needs of the ‘single community’ and to try and improve the way in which the church can improve its involvement in the lives of the singles.

Unfortunately I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of doom as I watched the women in the room frantically making notes and nodding in agreement.

The speaker, who claims to be doing this for 9 years, couldn’t tell me one thing I didn’t already know. No, I’m not being arrogant. Thing is, while most of the 40+ women had struggled in terrible marriages or have been raising their kids, I’ve been reading the Cosmo. I’ve read through internet sites and self-help books and I’ve come to an unsettling truth: everyone basically say the same thing.

1. Being single doesn’t mean you have to be lonely
2. Being single is just a season (some use the word ‘phase’)
3. Just be yourself
4. You need to heal yourself if you’ve come out of a bad relationship
5. Be patient and trust in God’s timing.

I’m becoming convinced that following the advice of self-dubbed gurus actually weakens your power in the dating game. With so many conflicting dating rules and dating books, it’s almost inevitable for someone get it wrong. Just think about the mixed messages on the proper return-call protocol. Have you heard of the Three-Day Rule? Who made that crap up anyway?

I get it. The questions, comments, and suggestions given to singles aren’t always awkward, but sometimes they get repetitive.

On Saturday evening I spent time with some friends and the topic of ‘what do you find most __________ in a man/ woman/ relationship?” came up… again.  We so desperately seek answers that will make dating easier. We turn to magazines, articles, books, dating services, forums and to each other in the hope of finding some new secret, some proven technique or fool-proof strategy.

That would make life easier, hey? For then we wouldn’t have to try something new, we wouldn’t have to try, we wouldn’t have to move on if our expectations weren’t met and we wouldn’t have to live in fear of making fools of ourselves in the world of dating.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there really is no sure-fire way to find a church or a significant other on the first try. It’s about going out into the world and approaching each day and every experience with openness and vulnerability.   

Yeah, it has been almost a year since I joined the dating service and I’m still single. I’m not giving up though. For now I’m taking some time to finish my bucket list, which I will post later this week. I’m going to be focusing on not putting "Find Prince Charming" at the top of my list of priorities and participating in every stunt imaginable to find him. I’ll be focusing on… you’ll see later this week.

Anyway, I thought I’d leave you with this quote which really just sums up why we keep putting ourselves out there. Enjoy.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. – C.S Lewis