The 'future spouse' list

A while back my best friend encouraged me to make a ‘future spouse’ list. You know the kind where you list all the qualities that you look for in a partner. Yeah, that list. Everyone needs to have some idea of what they are looking for and making this list, she explained, is like ‘praying with fine print’.

I don’t believe that this list will magically manifest itself if I burn it, put it under my pillow for a week or send it off into the internet… I don’t believe you can ‘order a soul mate from the universe’.

I also don’t believe that God will cater to all of my wants. I know that He will provide me with what I need.  This list isn't so much as a checklist or a rigid document to guide my future, as it is a reminder of what I learned about myself and about relationships.

I found the notes of Marilyn Graman, author of There is NO PRINCE and Other Truths Your Mother Never Told You quite useful and decided to shape my own list according to her mini-lists. It’s a great way to distinguish between what really matters and allows you to get clear about what you want in a partner.

Here goes:

List #1: The Six “Musts”

The six “musts” are the attributes a potential partner absolutely must have for you to consider him or her. They’re the deal-breakers.

1. He must be a church going Christian.
2. He must be Caucasian.
3. He must want to get married
4. He must want to have children one day
5. He must have a certain amount of financial stability
6. He must be able to communicate effectively.

List #2: The Ten “Very Importants”

The ten “very importants” are exactly that—they are very important to you but not necessarily deal-breakers. It may be very important that he own a house, for example. But if he fits almost all your other criteria and is currently renting an apartment, you might be able to overlook the fact that he’s not a homeowner. Don’t give in too easily on your “very importants,” though. They are, after all, attributes that will make you happy.

1. It is very important that he shows to have ambition and drive to work towards a goal.
2. It is very important that he shows humility.
3. It is very important that he accept my sobriety
4. It is very important that he has family values and tries to keep good relationships with his own family
5. It is very important he draws me closer to God and be a spiritual leader for a family.
6. It is very important that he does not still live with his parents
7. It is very important that he shows that he will be able to make healthy decisions regarding his health.
8. It is very important that he have a sense of humour.
9. It is very important that he be intellectual.
10. It is very important that he respects women as equals

List #3: The Six “Must Nots”

This list highlights the pitfalls. These are the Achilles heel—the patterns that you’ve been hurt by.

1. He must not be a substance abuser.
2. He must not be a psychopath or have a criminal record.
3. He must not have kids.
4. He must not cheat or show signs of cheating behaviour.
5. He must not be overly controlling.
6. He must not be abusing. Mentally or physically.

List #4: Unlimited “Wouldn’t It Be Nice If…”

This list is for all the attributes you’d enjoy a partner having, but that are not deal breakers, pitfalls, or very important. They’re the “extras,” the icing on the cake. If he or she didn’t have them it wouldn’t make or break your decision to get involved.

I had some serious fun compiling these.

1. It would be nice if he were taller than me
2. It would be nice if he had all his teeth and they were in decent condition.
3. It would be nice if he smelled good.
4. It would be nice if he weren’t still in high school but doesn’t need an oxygen tank yet. Aged 25-35 at this stage would be nice.
5. It would be nice if he pursued me (so that I don’t feel I’m chasing him).
6. It would be nice if he were romantic.
7. It would be nice if he shared my love for travelling.
8. It would be nice if he still had faith in humanity
9. It would be nice if he can keep up with me and perhaps slow me down when needed
10. It would be nice if he didn’t have debt (or expect me to help pay it off)
11. It would be nice if he wasn’t a mommy’s boy.
12. It would be nice if he were slightly compulsive about neatness.
13. It would be nice if he pushed back instead of me sitting on his head or running all over him.
14. It would be nice if he remembers to put the toilet seat down.
15. It would be nice if he remembered by birthday or special occasions.
16. It would be nice if he could manage the budget.
17. It would be nice if he were a gentleman.
18. It would be nice if he had a good circle of friends
19. It would be nice if he were nice to look at.
20. It would be nice if he weren’t a workaholic.
21. It would be nice if he liked to hunt.
22. It would be nice if he isn't afraid to kill spiders/rats/snails (or trap them and release them humanely).
23. It would be nice if he loved dogs more than cats. Or just loved dogs. Or just hates cats.
24. It would be nice if he could fix things around the house.
25. It would be nice if he read books.
26. It would be nice if he could handle the corporal punishment one day.
27. It would be nice if he didn’t snore.
28. It would be nice if he weighed more than me.
29. It would be nice if he didn’t own a PlayStation or an Xbox or any game for that matter.
30. It would be nice if he was willing to cook, even if he sucked at it.
31. It would be nice if he didn’t freak out if I burped or farted in front of him.
32. It would be nice if he isn't afraid to say 'I love you.'
33. It would be nice if he supported the Blue Bulls rugby team.
34. It would be nice if he understood that my love language is chocolate.
35. It would be nice if he took out the trash.
36. It would be nice if he never went bald. Like, ever.
37. It would be nice if he liked to hold hands and kiss
38. It would be nice if he can admit when he's wrong and can say sorry (a girl can dream, right?)
39. It would be nice if he can say "whatever you want, you're the boss" and he isn't being sarcastic or condescending.
40. It would be nice if he showed up soon…

You might be a list person. You might not be. When I asked a friend for a male opinion on the “Must Nots” he simply responded that I should ask again when he has a girlfriend because now he’ll take what he can get. Ha! As for me, I feel as though I’ve in some weird way put into words the exceptional men I’ve met or heard throughout my life. Preachers as well as family and friends have set the bar high and in many ways have made it much easier to not settle for anything less—especially when it comes to spiritual matters and treatment of women.

Yup, that’s my list. I know that even though this will help me to exercise my power of choice to have what I want, I realise that God is still in control and He always does a better job of being in control than I do.

What is on your ‘list’?