Stalking is only one letter away from talking...

I am a self-confessed Facebook stalker.

Being single, I find this one of the greatest forms of easy entertainment on those lonely nights. Who doesn’t find themselves mindlessly clicking away from time to time? I don’t necessarily mean spying, just checking up on your friends from time to time out of curiosity.

I prefer to think of this activity as "research" or as I like to call it Facestalking. I find it pretty amazing that the ability to access information can lead us to find people in way that we never had before. We can find so much information on a person by simply typing a name into Google and hitting the search button. We have Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and blogs.

Researchers at the University of Missouri School of Journalism have proved that online stalking, scientifically speaking, feels good. By monitoring students while they navigated Facebook and measuring physiological responses associated with motivation and emotion, the researchers found that the students derived the most pleasure from activities described as "social searching" or what they call "goal-oriented surveillance" (how cool is that!) that involved visiting another friend's profile page, reading their Wall posts, perusing their photos, checking out the events they'd recently attended.

So, why am I telling you all this? 

This past weekend saw the unfolding of some peculiar events. Firstly, I had planned on going on a church camp for ‘young working persons’, which basically means single people. This was cancelled four days prior to the camp. I then decided to invite some single friends from my old church for some dinner and rugby and after me and my single Pretoria friend and I went out for some ‘scouting’…

We met the normal drunken guys who are looking to impress and then undress. Not our type. Now, this friend of mine and I have both had long term relationships with persons in the entertainment industry. Later that evening we ran into some old contacts. I clicked immediately with this guy, whom I shall refer to as Mr. Sticks and we were so lost in conversation that we barely noticed as my friend left. The venue closed at 02:00 and we simply moved the conversation to the garage across the street and drank coffee and talked some more until we eventually said goodbye at 03:45. He invited me to come watch him at his gig the next day…or a few hours away…. and I agreed.

At the gig he waved to me from the stage and came to say hi afterwards before being swamped by the crowd of girls that comes with the territory of being a musician. As me and my friend decided to leave he invited me to another gig and then…he went in for a kiss. I was not expecting this at all. I ended up giving him what me and me friend called ‘a semi-kiss’. I left feeling giddy and excited and pondering possibility…

Now before you jump up and down (or start planning a wedding, Mom), I have to share some history and divulge some things Mr. Sticks had told me during our time together.

Firstly, he works in the entertainment industry. I have dated someone in that industry for almost 4 years. You have to have some balls to date like this. It is not easy. There is a reason they call it sex, drugs and rock and roll. You also have to deal with spending evenings alone, sometimes weeks, as they are on tour and those girls… I have had a horrible experience with dating in the entertainment industry. I realise that this might sound like stereotyping and I would agree that it's unfair to project insecurities or baggage from prior betrayals onto an innocent partner and go searching for faults. Harmless material can easily be misinterpreted and hyper vigilance can be controlling and push someone away, but there is more to this story…

Secondly, he talked about being married before and he talked about…his son. I know, I was confronted with the ‘can I be a stepmom’ question with Number 4, and I am still of the firm opinion that I will not be able to cope with this situation.

Why did I agree to see him on Sunday then? I loved his mind. He challenged me and posed questions that unearthed some of my own enquiries regarding relationships, philosophy and faith. I would date and marry this Mr. Stick’s mind in a heartbeat. I liked him for that and I think I wanted to continue a conversation and a friendship…not a relationship. That is why I agreed to Wednesday…and that is why I was completely startled when he went in for the kiss.

I can understand that the heart has a way of making its own decisions, often illogical and stupid decisions at that. But that does not mean you need to act upon those feelings. It did feel great that my almost two year kiss free spell had been broken by a ‘semi-kiss’ and I felt alive with the thought of someone showing interest. Who doesn’t like being flirted with? I needed to clear my head and so I resolved to some Facestalking.

I Googled him first to read about his achievements and his portfolio. Mr. Sticks is one of the best musicians this country has seen. I felt flattered that he would show some interest in me. Only then did I go onto his Facebook profile, which has a lot of information on it – score!

Some weird things: he is still listed as ‘in a relationship’ with the mother of his child. We share first names…this freaked me out completely. I saw some photo’s of his son, some special family moments and some typical music industry party photos. Yup, Facestalking had shown once again that I have some serious bad luck when it comes to meeting men but it also allowed me to make a more informed choice. I am not going to see Mr. Sticks again.

I have made some dramatic choices since breaking up with my ex. I have accepted Christ. I have stopped drinking and using drugs. I have started studying again. I have vowed to not have sex until I get married (no, I am not a virgin). I have come to live under a set of moral values that I cherish and would not exchange for a relationship. I have been set free of that relentless need to find my self-worth in a man. I can proudly say that I can stand alone and be happy with that. I will not settle.

I think it’s time to give some serious thought to setting some boundaries in writing and keeping them close by to remind myself not to settle. I am better than that. I also think a list of boundaries could help in distinguishing the dual personality types. You know - the types like Mr. Sticks who will pretend to be one person and yet they also try and build a persona on what is, essentially, their personality resume (Facebook).

So cheers to not settling and learning yet another lesson. Facestalking in this day and age can be enlightening and reassuring. For me it is just the heads-up I need to protect myself without having to rely on my non-existent psychic abilities!

How about you? Have you stalked a potential partner, a current partner or your spouse? Please do share…

PS: Keep an eye an the blog later this week to see what happens when Facestalking goes wrong…like yesterday…