First comes love, then comes divorce...

I found a website that can calculate the days between your last date and now. It has been 116 days or 3 months, 24 days since my last date with my dating service.

I have a date for TONIGHT! I got a call from the dating agency last week just as I was about to give the lady a call – it has been a while and I am now ready to embrace the dating world again. So very excited I listened to this description: “He is 33 years old, lives in Pretoria. Non-smoker. He has his own, very successful IT company, drives a 4x4, he loves the outdoors, going to theatre, socializing with friends etc…

At this point I’m thinking… NICE!!!

BUT, then she adds… his divorce is almost finalized… and… he has two kids.

... What the?

Now, when I was interviewed to begin this journey with the dating service I told her that I didn’t mind going on dates with divorced men. Let’s be honest - You don’t need official statistics to tell you divorce is a pretty strong trend. Look around you.

(However, to prove my point I found a statistic in an article which states that couples marrying now face a 45 per cent risk of divorce. 45%!! Apparently the threat hits a peak in the fourth year, and almost one in eight marriages are over before the fifth anniversary.)

But kids… This was a non-negotiable point for me. I can’t date someone who has kids.

This week has been hell. I have gone back and forth in my mind and I finally understand the full effect of ‘internal conflict’. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I couldn’t even bring myself to write a proper pre-date post. So, I have made some lists.

Why I find it terrifying to date a divorced man:

1. Let’s start off with this particular date – who is legally STILL MARRIED! I will be a slut. The third party. The other woman. As his “divorce is almost finalized” it means that they are not divorced yet, she is still legally his wife. She may try to hold it against him in court or she might use it to keep his children away from him. I do not want to be the cause of all of that drama.
2. I will fear being the "rebound". I will question whether he is jumping into a new relationship sooner than he is ready to out of desperation, fear of being alone, guilt or other emotions. How does one know whether a man has had enough time to heal, or whether he’s relationship-ready. Hell, I’ve never been married but I have been on the rebound coming out of relationships.
3. A divorced man may be more cautious or even opposed to the idea of getting married again. Why would I want to enter into a relationship like this when I am looking for a committed relationship? I want to get married.
4. His ex-wife will always be part of his life story.

Why I simply can’t see myself dating someone who has kids:

1. I really want to be a mommy myself one day. If a guy has kids already, who says he would want to add more kids?
2. He may want to spend holidays with his ex-wife so his children can still have a sense of family tradition. I don’t think I could handle that. I think you are bound to end up feeling like you’re second best.
3. Is his money going to his ex? Face it, many men are paying alimony and child support.
4. I would hate to hurt kids. Full stop. I would hate to be the proof that their parents will never reconcile. I would hate for them to have to speak to their friends about ‘dad’s new girlfriend’.
5. I am not ready to be a step-mom. Even if I know that you should never take over the role of being their mother, how do you even start thinking about ‘family activities’ when you have no experience.
6. Is he running from responsibilities? If a divorced man has children, he may be a great father who has learned many lessons about being very responsible. But he could be running from responsibilities, out to ‘spread his seed’.

So what am I going to do on this date?

The first rule everyone will tell you when going on a date is to stay away from the cursed past relationships. Who wants to hear about that on a first date? Well, in this case, me!!

I really feel sorry for this guy tonight as I am going to ask him a lot of questions.

My mind has been racing for the last week and I want to know why the hell is he dating while he is still married? Why join a dating service? How long has his divorce process been going on for? When will his divorce be finalized? Why did the marriage end? Who ended it? How old are his kids? What is his role in his kids’ lives? Etc, etc, etc…

I will look for red flags that he’s now bitter, blaming women and only committed to playing the field.

I will listen out for signs of real change and whether he can recognize the mistakes made. I know that big life changes can force you to do a lot of self-improvement work, introspection and make changes.

I will definitely not lead him on or agree to a second date even if this is my knight in shining armour. Let me make this very clear: I have already decided that this is a once off date. I have no interest in dating anyone who is still married and I am definitely having some serious words with the dating agency about my non-negotiable ‘no kids’ position. This week of mental torture has just proven that. I am not open to that responsibility or the challenges that come with it.

Any new relationship brings its share of challenges - you inevitably have to deal with his friends, your friends, his parents as well as yours. But throw in children, ex-in-laws, and assorted ex-relatives and you're playing in a whole new ballgame. It's a situation that requires a lot of patience, understanding and selflessness - one for which I am definitely not prepared. 

I am absolutely terrified for my date tonight. I have cried. I have typed out the SMS to cancel the date. I have bitched and moaned to anyone willing to listen. But I will go on this date and I will get through it.

I feel really sorry for the divorced people whom I might have offended. This blog is my journey, my thoughts and my experiences. But I now see the prejudice that exists in the world of which I never even was aware I was apart of. I fully understand why my single, divorced friends never want to bring up the big “D”.

I know that there are success stories. There might be some special issues with divorcees. But if you think back to your previous relationships (with guys who’ve never been married), you’ll see that there are plenty of problems with these other types of men too. To those who do have the courage to date a divorcee I want to say that if you just dismiss guys because they are divorced, you could be missing out on a whole world of potentially great partners. And when dating is already so difficult, it’s truly a shame to let the possibility of good ones go!

No cheers today. I am really nervous and I feel dirty. Does anyone have any advice? The date is on for tonight and I will have the blog up by tomorrow evening.

Here I go.