Relationship status: long-distance relationship changing to a short-distance relationship

People often say that they are willing to move mountains for love. Being in a long distance relationship (LDR) will cause you to consider the literal implications of this statement. The 1463km distance between me and my boyfriend has seen me Googling the theology department at Stellenbosch, browsing job adds or spending the evening with an illegal amount of chocolate, feeling sorry for myself and being irritated that the stupid lyrics ‘Tussen jou en my, lê daar ‘n berg, lê daar ‘n berg – Tafelberg’ is stuck in my head. Again.

Yes, LDR’s suck sometimes. But for the past 7 months I have had the most amazing time with the most incredible boyfriend. To the cynics and naysayers: we made it! To the supporters and positive friends: thank you! I guess the corny picture quotes are true: distance is not for the fearful; it's for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.

Many long-distance relationships may be doomed. It’s not easy. But it’s worth taking a chance at happily ever after if you are willing to rely on these not-so-secret keys: trust and communication. You also need an agreeable bank manager, loads of airtime and faith.

I have great news, our long distance relationship will change to a short-distance relationship on the 1^st of June. Instead of moving mountains, my boyfriend is moving to Johannesburg. Yeah!

I thought I would share some lessons learnt, some of the ups and downs, and some tips if you are considering a LDR or are currently in one.

Embracing solitude in my home... and not wanting to do it solo...

Dear Reader,

I’m sorry I have been distant. To say that I’ve been busy is no excuse. You deserve better than that.

I treasure your loyalty and I hope that you've been salivating for my return to this blog, though I might be optimistic. I want to recommit to this relationship. We’ll start slow. I’ll give you all the time you need. 

Please don’t think that I am only affording you the attention since the Oscar Pistorius Trial is on a two week break (which helps, I won’t lie). In writing you this post I have realized that these few months have left me with tons of experience, ideas and topics that I would like to share with you.

Yes, this first post might seem bizarre. It's to show you that I miss you in my life. I need to write this blog to prove to myself that I'm not slowly losing my marbles and because it's the most fun writing I do. You make me a happier writer and I don't want to live alone any more.

If you’ll have me back, I’m ready to start over.

All my love,

Jeanine

Ps: I’ve been reflecting on how colossally banal my own solitary arrangement is AKA living by myself. You’ll probably deduce from the above letter that my life is indeed a sad one. But fear not, dear reader, I am still in a long distance relationship with a loving, gorgeous, incredibly kind hearted man. Yes, we’re doing great. No, this post is not a hint that my solitary living arrangement should change any time soon. I’ve just been reflecting on what it means to live alone. I fluctuate between feelings of “well, this sucks” and “I freaking love this”. 

A year and a bit in review: joining a dating service...

My best friend from high school got engaged on Friday which served as a good reminder that out of the “Fabulous Five” only two of us are still single and unwed. It is exactly this type of post in my News Feed that prompted me to start an adventure that I labelled “The Social Experiment”. AKA I suck at dating and need help.

So if, like me (until recently! Ha!), you suck at dating you can join a dating service in the hopes of finding your ‘soul mate’. You’ll soon learn some valuable lessons and gain wisdom about the person that you are. Or you can save yourself R8500 and read my blog. Or you can read this summary of the past year and a bit that I spent dating and looking for love.

A little more than a year ago I was sick of being single and after dating all the wrong kinds of guys and unsuccessfully scanning the church for my future husband I started looking elsewhere for a man that could accept me despite my imperfections, a strong man who would love me gently and a man that would stimulate me intellectually. As it turns out I wasn’t all that good in finding such a man. I mentioned that I sucked at dating, right? So I found a dating service who promised to find my “soul mate” and who would do this in Pretoria.

I went on 8 dates. I told 8 men about my family, my studies, and my interests. I attended social evenings and I completed the ‘do-it-right’ courses. I questioned the dating service, I questioned the existence of real men in the world, I questioned myself and even had the occasional meltdown of pent-up fear and sheer exhaustion claiming that I’m done with dating. Forever.

And then the dating service would call, or a reader would comment or send an email or a friend would encourage me yet again. I dated chartered accountants, engineers, medical reps and IT specialists. I dated them in coffee shops, in restaurants and in malls. I dated them healthy and once probably just shy of a hospital stay. I dated single guys, momma’s boys, a divorced guy and a married guy… But I dated and I learned and I lived one more crazy adventure that I call ‘my life’. What did you do this past year and a bit? 

Back to basics: does he or she like me?

I find it so ironic that although so much has been written about dating, flirtation, relationships and all that jazz we still grapple with the basic question which no-one seems to have been able to answer… ever. Sure, they have tried. There are quizzes and checklists and psychics and articles and books and movies…. Yet, we will all inevitably turn somewhere for an answer when asking: does he or she like me?

This is the basic question. I’m not even going to address the other questions that will necessarily arise from this simple question. Is he only after your body? Does he find you intriguing? Does he think you are sexy? Is he devoted to you? Does it only become official if it is Facebook official?

I’m only addressing the basic question: does he or she like me? This is the important question that we all need an answer to - for subtly we know that if we start dating this person we will either break up with them or marry them… Add into the mix that a feeling of acceptance is a basic need and the fear of rejection is our biggest fear and suddenly this question doesn’t seem to simple, does it?

My day with Mystery Man

This blog post has turned out to be very uncomfortable to write for two reasons:

1. My mother is going to read this
2. Mystery Man is going to read this

Anyway, here goes.

I want to keep my new found experiences and feelings mostly to myself. What we have at the moment is ours. It’s special and it is uncontaminated with opinions or advice. I love that. I cherish that.

However, since I am still single and vowed to write about my dating experiences I will share some details with you about the 24 hour period I got to spend with my Mystery Man. I will have to share some facts about Mystery Man in order to have this post make sense at all.

1. I’ve known Mystery Man for a few years now… and we dated for a brief period back in 2006/2007…
2. Mystery Man lives in Cape Town…

 So yes, if you know me and ever asked me for dating advice I would probably spurt some gems like “never EVER date an ex” and “long distance relationships never work”. Oh, life is cruel sometimes.

It's mating season people!

I’ve suddenly started noticing colours everywhere, fragrant aromas and soft winds, the purple puff of Pretoria’s Jacaranda filled streets, bees are buzzing and the birds are singing... And many of the songs you hear are mating calls.  Yes, spring and summer signal the arrival of that sexual behaviour in mammals that we call mating season. While it is clearly seen in hares and deer, I am very sceptical to refer to any specific time of the year as that being the human “mating season”. We have an Afrikaans saying that quite appropriately sums this up: Heeltyd speeltyd!

 

Hunny Bunny

However, there is just something about summer, isn’t there? There are some things that we observe which I can’t help but wonder whether these are mating behaviours. How else can we explain the excessive number of love junkies at the moment?

“You’re being bombarded by pleasant, exciting, novel stimuli, and novelty stimulates the neurotransmitter dopamine, which in turn triggers testosterone production,” says Dr. Helen Fischer, a neuroscientist, professor at Rutgers University and author of five books on the science of love. Dopamine is the naturally occurring chemical your brain uses to make you want things. While there are other systems involved in love, when it comes to new love, dopamine is the main culprit. And with enough of it swirling around your system, you're prone to fall in love - and fall hard.

Friends, your body has turned into a dopamine factory. Did you know that brain scans of people flooded with the stuff look a lot like brain scans of drug addicts? I suppose this makes sense, since being high on dopamine feels, as many lovers would put it, euphoric.

Enough with the romance. Let's cut to the real science.

My date with Number 8

You might want to call me either a slut or a judgemental hypocrite after reading the following post. Just saying. I’m prepared for that though.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet.

I received a call last week from my dating service to find out whether I would be interested in going on another date. Number 8 was described as a 31 year old, medical rep that grew up on a farm, lives in Centurion, values his Christianity and who is divorced without kids. He phoned me on Saturday to schedule the date for this past Tuesday evening. The conversation was brief but light and we joked around a bit.

As I stood outside the coffee shop I received a phone call telling me to be on the lookout for the guy in a pink shirt. About two minutes later I was greeted by someone… in a green shirt. After he introduced himself and I tried to wipe the confused look from my face he said he thought that his little joke could break the ice. Weirdo.