Some Ex-perience

I have written this post about five times. I deleted it about 5 times.

I have been making amends this past year. It has been an arduous and testing experience of clearing the baggage of my past and learning to be honest with myself and with others. It has also been one of the most liberating and rewarding experiences of my life that has helped put me in a position to be of maximum use to the people around me.

This week, I had to make an amend to my ex.

I have been postponing this amend since February. I needed to lose more weight before I saw him. I needed to colour my hair. I didn’t have the right shoes. Etcetera. Etcetera. Etcetera.

Now, you probably need/want some background. I’m not going to elaborate on my ex. I’m making amends – I don’t want to name and shame and then end up with a whole new list of ‘I’m sorry’s’.

I sent my ex a message, then I tried to call. Being unsuccessful I sent him a message on Facebook and I asked if I could have 10 minutes of his time. Just 10. I explained that I really needed to say sorry for something.

Much to my surprise he replied to my message and although he started off by saying that there’s not really anything that I needed to apologize for, he went on with small little remarks that were meant to offend.

It is two years later and I have moved on. 

My life has changed completely and I don’t want to live in the past.

It was a long time ago and it is long forgotten.

Oh please. I don't know if he wants to create the 'I pity you' feeling or simply thinks that making an amend means that I want to get back with him. I knew these statements were aimed at hurting me. But then he added:

I’m in a relationship with a wonderful girl and we are getting married next year.

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Seriously. But I congratulated him and told him that I was really happy for him. Then I went on to apologize anyway.

This news unleashed an array of complex and bewildering emotions. I couldn’t understand why I was so upset by this news. I knew that it had to happen eventually since that’s what people do: get married.

I knew it couldn’t be the childish feeling of even though you don't want him, you don't want anyone else to have him. No, we broke up just as Adele’s CD 21 landed and I spent far too many days crying/singing:

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too

I meant it. I wanted him to be happy.

Maybe I was so hurt because I felt that it’s not fair that he can find someone to love – someone to marry – before I do. I selfishly wanted to be deliriously happy before he was.

How can he move on so fast? Here I am, still single, fearful of my dating service prospects, a borderline commitment-phobe, still discovering who I am and what I want out of a relationship, and he’s getting married.

But if I’m honest with myself, he didn’t move on that fast. This May, it will be two years since I broke up with him. Almost three years since we were planning the seating arrangements and picking out a venue deciding on when to get engaged.

I guess that it just sucks. As simple as that. It sucks.

So, what did I do? Did I end up in a heap on the floor calling the counselling hotline?

No. I did the next best thing.

I cried.

The next evening I spent with one of my friends and I explained how I was feeling. She reminded me of the times she had to counsel me through all those bad times. We focused on all of my ex's failings and why I decided to leave.

I reviewed the list I made with reasons for leaving, I read through our final messages and the messages his ‘baby mommy’ had sent me and then deleted them.

So, how did my Facestalking go wrong? Even though I unfriended my ex and his whole family after our breakup I still kept tabs on what they were up to. I know all about his new girlfriend. I know that they aren’t engaged…yet. I think this held me back and I held on to the resentments and anger.  After my apology I was blocked from his Facebook account. I’m talking MAX security settings blocked…by everyone.

Now, I’ve made my amends. I am free.

Funny how something like this shows that once the fog lifts, we wonder why what is so painfully clear now, was so hidden then. My emotionally driven decisions only led to a bitter place and only after I could finally forgive him and let go do I finally feel free. Yes, I won’t say that I magically resolved all of my feelings in the time it took to write this post, but now I will be able to do exactly that. Opening this particular Pandora's box is helping me seal the little mental shoebox of my relationship with my ex and put it away on a shelf. Out of sight and out of mind.

I hope he’s happy. Because the small part of me that still cares for him – that will probably always care for him – wants nothing more than for him to find happiness in this world.

And here’s hoping I’ll find it too.